When the whole truth can finally be told – and it will be 50 years before all the top secret documents can be declassified – Dick Cheney will be written up in the history books as not only America’s greatest vice president, but in fact as the greatest American ever.

First, of course, is the problem with the aliens that he struggles against every day. Unknown to most mortals on earth, Cheney and a small group of volunteers are slogging it out on an asteroid in an orbit near earth. The aliens occupy the side away from the earth, lying on their stomachs and farting propitiously they nudge the rock ever closer to the earth’s gravity.

Cheney and a few Bruce Willis types occupy the near side of the asteroid. Cheney points his shotgun toward the earth and fires, allowing the kickback to nudge the rock away from our planet. In one particularly intense sequence, Cheney ripped the pacemaker battery from his chest to create an electric spark that ignited an improvised explosive device, eliminating two aliens.

The close bond between Cheney and Scooter Libby stems from the fact that Scooter was a wounded alien major that Cheney saved by donating a kidney in a transplant operation that Cheney performed himself with a can opener.

If that wasn’t enough, Cheney has been working secretly – donating generously from his own funds and signing over much of the corporate wealth of Halliburton – to solve the energy crisis and global warming. Laboring in a cave deep under the Greenbriar resort in West Virginia, Cheney is putting the final touches on a new 10-inch-square solar chip that will power a city of 50,000 on a cloudy day. Cheney personally enhances the formula and pours a new batch of chips each night, after returning from the asteroid battle as late as 2 a.m.

But it is the third battle that Cheney will be most remembered for. In a remote fort in the Iraqi desert, Cheney is using gentle persuasion and good humor to get cooperation from the Iraqi scientists who created the quark bomb. Much more powerful than a mere nuclear device, this Iraqi WMD splits sub-atomic particles like the charmed quark. Left in the hands of an uncooperative dictator like Saddam Hussein, the weapon could eliminate all matter on earth in a chain reaction lasting only nine seconds. Cheney will be remembered by future generations as the one who said, “We must harness the Big Bang for peaceful purposes if humankind is going to survive into the next universe.”

The “enemy combatants” in Guantanamo are actually volunteers working on this project in exchange for shares in Halliburton.

And of course, at some point, Americans will know the truth about the tragic fate of President George W. Bush. When he choked on a pretzel and died, Cheney was sworn in by Justice Clarence Thomas as the 44th president of the United States. Cheney was too busy to take care of the ceremonial duties of his new office. So he and a few of his security men broke into Disneyland and stole a 1960s “audio-animatronics” robot dressed to perform as Abe Lincoln. Cheney personally reprogrammed the robot to act as George Bush. Even today, Cheney occasionally updates the robot to give it a new line to say.

Some might be squeamish about the robot having been re-elected in 2004, but Justice Thomas assured Cheney it was not a problem.

When all of this comes out, the American people will understand that Cheney is not the secretive, selfish, dictatorial, anti-American blob depicted in the media.

And a few more things will eventually come out. Cheney’s daughter isn’t really gay. Cheney asked her to play that role to make him seem more human. And in his spare time, Cheney serves as a volunteer shopping cart wrangler at Wal-Mart. Too bad only our children will know what a great guy Cheney really is.